The Power of Self-Work: How to Stop Lying to Ourselves
Once, a client shared a story during one of our sessions, describing a key moment in her relationship. This time, her narrative was different from what she had shared before. The details had shifted, and the emotions she attributed to the event no longer matched what she had once told me. I gently pointed this out, reminding her of her earlier version of the story. She paused, a hint of surprise on her face, and then broke into a smile. “You have an annoyingly good memory,” she said with a laugh. It was a rare moment of self-awareness and acknowledgment.
This isn’t always how it goes. While my client accepted the inconsistency with grace, most people aren’t so quick to recognize that they’ve rewritten their own memories. Self-deception is a deeply ingrained human tendency. We often reshape the past—sometimes subtly, sometimes drastically—to align with our current feelings, beliefs, or even desires. But why do we do this?
Cognitive Dissonance and Fear of the Truth
Admitting that our past feelings or actions were at odds with our current self can create cognitive dissonance—a psychological discomfort that arises when our beliefs and actions don’t match. To reduce this discomfort, we unconsciously rewrite the past to make it feel more consistent with the present.
This might explain why people often resist being reminded of how they once felt or what they once said. Acknowledging that their past self thought or acted differently can be unsettling. It challenges the identity they’ve built for themselves, which is why many people deny the original story rather than confront the truth.
But beyond cognitive dissonance, there’s another reason we rewrite our narratives: fear. People often lie to themselves about the importance of a relationship or friendship—not because it’s truly essential to their happiness, but because they’re afraid of being alone. This fear of loneliness or change pushes them to settle for much less than they truly want or deserve. Instead of recognizing the mismatch between their desires and reality, they cling to the illusion that they’re in the right place, with the right people.
Memory Bias: A Glimpse into Our Minds
In psychology, this phenomenon is also referred to as memory reconsolidation or retrospective memory bias. When we recall a memory, it isn’t a static replay of events. Instead, it’s an active reconstruction, influenced by who we are in the present.
For instance, imagine someone reflecting on a strained friendship. If they now feel hurt or distant, they might recall the other person’s flaws as more prominent than they really were. If they feel nostalgic, they might downplay the conflicts and idealize the good times. This tendency, often referred to as rose-tinted memories, allows us to reshape the past to fit our current emotional needs.
The Power of Self-Work
Not everyone is resistant to facing these shifts in memory. My client’s openness to acknowledging her altered narrative highlights an important point: the willingness to engage in self-work. Recognizing our own biases and tendencies to rewrite the past requires a level of self-awareness and emotional courage. It’s not easy, but it’s essential for personal growth.
By confronting these tendencies, we gain the power to see ourselves and our relationships more authentically. The stories we tell ourselves shape how we view our past and who we are today. When we embrace the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable—we pave the way for greater self-understanding and growth.
We lie to ourselves, not out of malice or deceit, but as a way to protect our current emotional state. Yet these lies can keep us trapped in relationships, jobs, or situations that fail to bring us true happiness. The next time you catch yourself rewriting the past or clinging to something that doesn’t feel right, pause and ask: Am I settling out of fear? The answer might lead you to a deeper understanding of your own heart—and the courage to seek what you truly deserve.
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