Through a series of discussions with the journalist Maria Karchilaki regarding the escalation of domestic violence and the phenomenon of femicides, the idea was born to create a video that describes, analyzes and interprets these new data. The video is posted below, as well as the transcript of the entire interesting discussion that sheds light on the matter.
Topics of the discussion
- Pattern of abuse - how a woman gets trapped in an abusive relationship
- Psychological abuse
- Warning signs of physical abuse
Narration
Every 11 minutes a woman is murdered somewhere in the world.
Not from a stranger.
From a former or current member of her family.
The United Nations says it, not me.
We see it happening more and more often in Greece as well.
Intra-partner femicides. As with all femicides, the crime is committed because the victim is a woman.
Psychologist Dragana Milekić Pylarinou will help me understand what is behind this extreme form of violence, why there is such an escalation globally, and what should be done.
Q: Why have we failed, all of us, society and authorities, to control this plague?
A: Because the abuse that usually precedes femicide isn’t always visible because neighbors and family don’t want to get involved. Because the institutions don’t do their part of the job, and the abuser knows that very well.
Narration
In the well-known Greek institutional framework operates on a 24-hour basis the SOS Help Line 15900, which - its website reads - enables female victims of violence or third parties to communicate directly with an institution dealing with gender-based violence. The line is staffed by psychologists and sociologists who provide immediate assistance in emergency incidents of violence on a 24-hour basis, 365 days a year. Well... not exactly. The voices you are about to listen to in the audio file are disguised.
Audio file
- For Greek, press 1.
- S.O.S line, how can I help you?
- Yes, good morning.
- Good morning.
- I need your help. I don’t know... Can I say my name?
- The line is anonymous; you don’t have to provide us with the details. Is it for an incident of abuse?
- Yes, I’m calling for me.
- Well, as the counselors are in a meeting now, could you call after half past three?
Narrative
This is not a 24-hour helpline. It shouldn’t be presented as such, or those in charge should make it work. No one considers whether the woman who called will be able to call back later on? For example, will she be alone at home, or will the abuser be there too? What is an abused woman calling to say? Hi, how are you? She needs help.
At the end of the video, you will watch the testimony of the woman - whose voice we heard in the audio file - about her overall experience from the institutions she asked for help.
Psychologist comment
We tell women, “go away, file a charge” - and many do so - and the institutions leave them unprotected. That’s the truth.
And the police often deter them by telling them “go back” or “reconcile”. Or she calls the 911 and they come hours later because they didn’t have a car available to send during the emergency.
Also, friends and relatives discourage them, saying that “children need their father”, “it will be difficult for you when alone”, “he may change”, “you shouldn’t provoke him”…
And when they make up their mind, they hit a wall again. It's the law that reads “you can't prove it”.
Especially when the abuser is manipulative and careful not to leave a trace - for example, beating up without leaving a mark or psychologically abusive.
The facts, however, have shown us that femicide, in several cases, was not preceded by physical abuse but by psychological one. That’s the moment we must intervene to save the victim.
Mental health professionals keep emphasizing that.
But no one is paying attention.
And imagine bringing up the issue of child protection…
Q: You mean asking for protection for your children, the court not recognizing the abuse since it is not proven, and even granting joint custody...
A: Exactly. Isn't it a continuation of the abuse of the woman and the children? It is. The abuser will use the children to punish her for a lifetime if he doesn’t kill her at some point.
He abuses, they say, his wife, but he is a good father. No, he is not.
Whoever abuses the mother of his child basically abuses the child itself. This leaves scars. The likelihood that this child becomes a victim or an abuser at some point is higher, and they even experience mental health issues.
Therefore, restrictive measures are also needed for the children, or the father-abuser must see the child exclusively in the presence of a third party, ideally a social worker and simultaneously undergo psychotherapy.
Children are not just witnesses - that would be a passive role - they are directly or indirectly abuse victims.
Q: Is there a pattern of abuse? If so - what stage is the most dangerous for an abuser to become a murderer?
A: Most relationships with an abuser start out very romantic. They seem like a dream. They evolve very fast. The first episode of abuse comes as a big shock to the woman - the "angel" turns into a "demon" and before she can fully understand what has happened the abuser is back to being an "angel".
Abuse usually involves a repetitive pattern of behavior by the abuser, with the aim of maintaining power and control over the woman.
Most often, femicide occurs when the victim tries to flee, that is, to leave the abuser.
Q: Will you break this pattern down for me?
A: Usually, it is a circular pattern.
The so-called cycle of abuse that also helps us understand how a woman gets trapped in an abusive relationship.
Tension building is the first stage.
The abuser whines by pointing to external stressors, such as problems at work, financial difficulties, illness, or just plain tiredness. The woman may feel that she must be careful not to anger him.
Next comes the Incident of abuse.
Insults, name-callings, fist-bumps, accusations, threats, slaps.
It is important to emphasize that the Incident of abuse will happen regardless of the woman’s behavior because the abuse is an abuser’s choice and a conscious act.
This is an S.O.S. stage since women usually attempt to escape the abuser and may pay with their lives.
Reconciliation stage.
The Anglo-Saxons call it the “honeymoon stage”.
The abuser may apologize and try to fix things by offering gifts and being super kind, loving, and supportive.
And the Calm stage.
Both parties come up with some explanation. The abuser might blame outside factors, such as financial crisis or their boss. Gaslights victim - “It wasn’t that big of a deal. You’re exaggerating”. He convinces her - “Maybe it was nothing”.
The victim stays, believing it “won’t happen again”.
As time goes on, the Incidents of abuse are more frequent. The duration of the remaining stages decreases.
Q: Why is it more and more common nowadays that gender-based violence results in murder? Does it have to do with the lockdowns as well?
A: With the pandemic, the situation got worse.
The abuser anyway wants to isolate the woman from her social support network.
The pandemic isolated her for him.
The new social circumstances helped him to control and abuse her.
What is happening now is a pandemic of abuse of women.
Therefore, since the cases of abuse have increased, the number of femicides has also increased.
Also, in relation to what we said before, the abusers get the message that their act is not punished, i.e. they abuse because they can, while the Media could help by creating awareness do not inform correctly, calling femicide a crime of passion or jealousy. In other words they show pathology as a sign of great love.
Belgrade - Protest Women’s Solidarity organization
“We’re going to the streets! Because that’s the only way to see us! Because that’s the only way to hear us!”
Narrative
Since the 28th of last September and almost every Friday ever since, the women protesting in Belgrade have been asking for one thing - effective protection from gender-based violence. As Jelena Riznić of the Women’s Solidarity organization says, the protests are aimed at the entire institutional structure “in which women are not trusted, in which they are blamed for the violence they have suffered, in which they are humiliated and left to live with a sense of fear and insecurity because the institutions will not protect them”.
Bosnia
The spark also spread to neighboring Bosnia with women’s rage for the same reasons spreading from Sarajevo to Banja Luka and many other cities. “Our pain, your shame” - their main slogan.
Narrative
In short, precisely what is happening here is also going on a bit farther and around the world.
1 in 3 women worldwide has experienced domestic abuse.
Τhis pattern will be continued as long as the so-called ‘system’ does not apply the principle of zero tolerance towards gender-based violence.
As long as, for example, there is no suspended sentence for an abuser who beat the crap out of his partner. That’s the way people of his like will understand.
Q: Are there behaviors and signs that give away the abuser?
A: Yes.
Quick emotional involvement with the victim - A large number of abused women dated or knew the abuser for less than six months before marrying or living together.
Sudden mood swings - explosiveness and moodiness are typical of men who beat their partners.
Hypersensitivity - The abuser is easily offended. Takes anything as a personal attack.
Jealousy - and which is getting gradually worse. The abuser is jealous of the woman’s time with family, friends or children. He accuses her of flirting. He keeps calling her all the time. He checks who he talked to, who he saw. He doesn’t let her go anywhere alone.
At the beginning of the relationship, the woman may believe that his jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust.
He has a history of abuse - any information that he has done it in the past is a sign that he will do it again. In fact, he won't admit that his act was wrong and will blame the victim - e.g., he can say, “she was crazy, she made me do it”.
Q: And as the relationship evolves, so does the psychological abuse - right?
A: Right. And which is also a warning sign of possible physical abuse.
Q: And includes?
A: The most characteristics:
Verbal abuse - deliberately lowers the woman's self-confidence with constant criticism of her appearance, abilities, and intelligence - "You're stupid." “You can't function without me”,”You graduated, so what?” etc.
Yelling and rage.
Manipulation and gaslighting - Abusers not only shirk responsibility but blame their victims. This confuses the victim and makes her doubt herself and what is happening. E.g. He may say to her: "You are overreacting", "That never happened", or "I did it for your own good".
Sabotage of the woman's career and her hobbies.
Behaviors aimed at the financial dependence of the victim on the abuser.
Q: Warning signs that are overlooked as the beginning of physical abuse?
A: Threats - that he will cause physical or other harm to her, their/ her children, her family or friends, even to himself - "I will kill you!", "You will see what will happen to you or will happen to them", "I'll break your neck" etc.
Breaking and banging - They may beat on the wall with their fist, on the table, on the door, throw things, or destroy. The woman feels that she could be next.
Any force during an argument - He may hold his partner against the wall, telling her "you're going to listen to me!". He can also prevent her from leaving the room by restraining or pushing her.
Q: Women who are watching us right now and experiencing domestic violence
1. what to do?
2. what NOT to do?
A: They need to be informed so they can make sure they escape safely.
To contact helplines - despite the problems we see that exist there too - and agencies and organizations that provide free psychological support and legal advice.
If a woman feels that her life or that her children are in danger, she is probably right and should listen to her inner voice.
What they should not do for their and their children’s safety is NEVER inform the abuser that they are leaving.
Testimony of a woman experiencing domestic abuse
December 2022
Determined to ask for help. I called 15900 but couldn’t find someone to talk to. I was told to call back in about 3 hours. I couldn’t do it, he would already be at home. I called another day. They referred me to a structure in my municipality. I called and they made me an appointment.
I went there hoping, and I left even more scared than before I got the courage to ask for help. Instead of warmth, understanding, and encouragement, they blamed me for not suing him yet, telling me that my words do not match my actions. The legal advisor did not listen to me when I repeated that if I do so I’m afraid of what he would be ready to do to us, the children, and me.
- Can I prove what the children and I are experiencing?
- No.
- If I put a camera or record him?
- No, you also need the consent of the person recording.
- I came here to ask for help, doesn’t that count?
- No, it doesn’t count in court. It’s just your words.
- If a mental health specialist examines us?
- No. That’s your words. The cause may be a different one.
- Can you guarantee that the children and I will be safe?
- No, nobody can guarantee such a thing. You can leave this relationship. But the children cannot be without contact with the father.
And yet, the Guide on “How to Escape a Violent Relationship” of the European Anti-Violence Network - which was also in the structure I went to - says that when leaving, the woman must take her children, leave her mobile at home and never to be seen again. But in practice, she will have to give him her new number so that they can “coordinate” on the weekends when she would give him the children to abuse them.
I understood, in short, that what is missing from my torture is the corpus delicti. That is, a dead body, or - and it is not even certain that they will accept - a smashed head or a bruised face. Without those, no abuse is proven. I indirectly got the message to let him physically hurt the children.
I can’t do that.
Narrative
As we speak, many women are in despair, trapped in a home with an abusive partner.
If you suspect a relative, friend, or neighbor is being abused, care for her.
You may be her only hope..
Comments